venting.

So. Today is December 4. that means- it is 4 months until my wedding.

-we still haven't figured out catering.
-we still have no pastor.
-we still have no cake.
-we still have no music.
-we still have no flowers.

& everyday... i feel like i have no wedding party.

maybe i should have been a better person over the years. or maybe i thought my relationships were stronger than they are? no one seems to care about my wedding. maybe i'm just not planning things right... or doing something right. none of my bridesmaids have even bought their dresses.

WHY AM I HAVING A WEDDING?

i want to get married- i want to get married now- and just let that be that. nothing seems to be falling into place and i really wonder if this wedding will even happen. jeremy's groomsmen are already planning his bachelor party- and i haven't talked to the girls in my wedding... in weeks. i talk to sarah campbell the most- i tried to talk to ferren but she was busy- then my car broke down... erica... never calls. i don't call her often either- we just dont' have the same schedule. i don't know man, maybe its just not a big deal. no one seems excited for me... no one seems to care. i thought today about throwing my own bachelorette party and shower hahahah. i dont' know... i'm not complaining about my girls... i was just wondering if maybe i did something along the way that hurt them somehow? made them not care as much?

maybe i'm just crazy. i was just going to make the video we show at the rehearsal... and realized that i dont' think many people would care about seeing it. i mean, i asked jeremy's sister to send me pictures of jeremy as a baby... MONTHS ago. and it still hasn't happened. so i asked to take the baby books and they wouldn't let me.

ugh.

i'm depressed.