thoughts.

hello all.

it has been far too long. i haven't written in so long.. it shames me! i should be keeping up with this thing. anyway- i need to write today because i need to vent.. or think ...or soemthing.

so ...the wedding day is coming up VERY soon. 2 months away! part of me is really excited ...and part of me is screaming- WHAT AM I DOING?! hahaha. i mean, i am a child. i still love lava lamps and kitties- and watching certain cartoons. i like to sleep all day and eat cookies in bed. i'm scared to drive on a highway and i laugh too loud. i think kids are hilarious and find them to be better companions than most adults i know. AM I OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED?!

okay, i'm not seriously questioning my marriage. i'm just getting cold feet. well...i naturally have cold feet- raynaud's disease hahah... but i'm getting the metaphoric ones at this point. when jeremy and i got joint bank accounts- i freaked out... when jeremy and i moved in together- i freaked out. when he proposed...i freaked out. lol.. there isn't a whole lot that i dont' freak out about. thats okay right? anyway- it sucks because as a result- i've been unintentionally trying to push him away... something i had a bad habit of doing throughout many parts of our relationship...

it all goes back to the feeling that ...i don't deserve happiness- and marriage is for everyone but me. the idea that i won't make a good wife- or that there is someone jeremy is really supposed to be with that is amazing and could make him a lot happier than i can. (i watch too many movies.) i know that many brides go through this... i've talked to several of them that hae gone through this freakout at this point on the wedding timeline... but it still scares me.

another thing that shocked my system was seeing this boy over the weekend- while out with jeremy's family... that i was completely in love with... from kindergarten through... 8th grade lol. i think i "loved" him so much... that seeing him brought it back. NOT the "love" ...as the "love" was never real... but the fact that i had conditioned myself to like him so much hahaha... that when i saw him... my face turned red- and it was insane. i had this dream last night that he asked me to leave jeremy... and i was considering it. but it wasn't because he was the right one- it was because he never wanted me back in the day- and it was almost like finally getting the prize. does this make sense to anyone? while analzying all of this today and thinking that it meant so much more than it does... i realized...

i have the prize. jeremy is the greatest prize in the world. he is my love. he loves me more than anyone can or does. sometimes i feel like he loves me so much that i won't ever be able to love him that much because i'm incapable of a love so intense. i feel like love is an emotion that i am no good at- and as a result i feel like i am short changing him or something. i feel like i'm not enough.

i hope that i am making the right decision- not for me... but for him. i would never want him to waste time on me... someone so broken and incapable of love. he's so good to me. he's perfect.