day 9.

so i'm into day 9 of married life- and things are... difficult. marriage is amazing. i'm more comfortable with jeremy than i've ever been.. & that is the best feeling ...in the world. to fully trust someone... to not have to worry about the stupid things you sometimes have to worry about in relationships- to not have to worry about all of the things we've had to worry about in the past. ...right?

one of jeremy's college friends added me on facebook- i actually detest this girl...so i decided not to add her back... until she told me she had lots of beautiful wedding pictures that she took- and i wanted to see them... so i thought i would add her and take a look. what i found were a ton of pictures of jeremy and paige cuntson. his exgirlfriend. they were stupid- and from years ago- ...but it was a time when i told him to stop hanging out wiht her if he wanted to be with me. that sounds controlling unless you know the situation ...so don't judge. - but i found them and it hurt my heart insanely. i asked one simple thing. and he didn't do it.

what do you do? do you worry about the past... something that happened 3 years ago- and let it effect your marriage? -or do you just let it go and hope that in the future your HUSBAND better respects your wishes.

most of this stems from my insane insecurities. this girl had the perfect teeth- the perfect hair- she shared similar interests with jeremy that i don't even share... and sometimes i wonder why he ended up with me and not her. he hates when i talk about this girl- and i hate it too. so what is it in me that makes me HAVE to?! is it my untreated obsessive compulsive disorder. i know i need to go back on my medication... but damnit, it makes me fat- which makes me depressed. i looked huge enough in my wedding pictures.

not to mention, i am going on no sleep- constant crying- and on the verge of falling apart.

my cousin chris is going to die. unless there is some miracle... that happens... quickly- he will die. he has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. WHY? WHY DO THESE THINGS HAPPEN? i can't wrap my head around it. its killing me. he has a daughter- he has a wife- his facebook profile talks about how things just keep getting better and better. he is someone that i've known for so long- and know so well- and know is an amazing person and now he has MONTHS to live?! WHY? WHY WHY WHY?

i will never understand.

i'm having a nervous breakdown.