a day in my head...

i would love nothing more... than to write a happy update right now- but unfortunately... i feel like i am losing my mind.

i'm completely exhausted- and it is entirely due to the fact that my brain is a rollercoaster. a rollercoaster that never stops. sometimes i dig at my head... literally- to try to make the thoughts stop.. but they won't. so many medications have attempted to make it slow down... and the one i'm on- is the best one so far... but it still doesn't work. so ...i'll take you through a day in my head:

5:40 - wake up... snooze alarm 3 times... then nearly cry because i'm so exhausted and i dislike my job so much.
6:30 - kiss jeremy goodbye... and wonder if my stomach will allow me to have a day that i can actually live through- pain free. i have a nervous stomach...and EVERYTHING about my job makes me nervous.
6:35 - drive to work... think about my car accident in 2007- think about jeremy's last january... then i cry. then i get very annoyed at how slow everyone is ...and try to pass them... then i think about my car blowing up-and what it must be like to be burned alive.
6:46- get to the glenwood light & get very nervous if i'm the first person the lane- i think that someone won't be paying attention- will rear-end me ...and shove me into oncoming traffic.. .and i will die.
6:52 - look at the stairs and REALLY wish i didn't have to climb them... then wonder if anyone else feels the same way. then i wonder if it is normal to get so tired climbing the stairs...and how my whole life any form of physical activity has made me tired...then i stare at the elevator wishing i could ride it... but the panic i feel inside of an elevator makes the stairs seem worth it.
7:00 - catch a few minutes of sleep at my desk while no one is looking... check twitter- check news... get upset over news.
7 - 3:30 ...try to submerge myself in massive amounts of work so that i won't think so much about dying... death... life... tragedy... horrible scenarios...etc. i also think about how i really don't want to eat that granola bar because its 170 calories...and if i were just strong enough to ignore my blood sugar... maybe i would actually lose some weight...then i give in... and sometimes i've consumed nearly 700 calories by lunch... then i think about my weight...and how this time last year- i was 20 lbs lighter... and then i think about how i'm a failure... and how horrible i look in the clothes i'm in ...then i think about how i have no money to buy clothes that will actually flatter my fat figure...
3:25 - i wrap up my work and wonder if emily did more than me...again. then i wonder why i'm not as smart as she is ... and why i've never been as smart as anyone else...and how i'm marrying someone 3829 times smarter than i am. -and how i've fooled everyone in my life into thinking that i'm smart.. .when really i'm not.
3:30 - leave work...get frustrated at least a few times over traffic... to the point of screaming obscenities.
4:00 - get home... check the mail... clean up as much as possible...
4:30 - get in bed... and pray that jeremy doesn't come home and make me get up.
7:30 - get up... eat food...watch tv.
11:00 - take meds, go to bed... apologize to jeremy for sleeping all the time.

then it all repeats. thats not even half of it... i also poke and prod at my body all day long thinking i feel a new lump... or something that is cancerous. i went to the doctor today and she recommended i see an ENT because of my allergies/lymph nodes. thats more time off work... more money lost... and i'm completely terrified. why can't i just be healthy and worry free?

i cried all afternoon until i fell asleep- when i woke up...i cried again... then i realized i left the milk out on the counter all day and would need to buy more- so i went to the store...and while buying milk...i cried again. and now... i'm crying again as i write this.

i need to let go & let God <-- one of my favorite sayings... but sometimes ...its so hard. what do i do?